EXAMS. ARE. FINALLY. OVER.
Wow congrats ryry what a great milestone! I actually survived, guys! All those late nights studying, making index card reviewers, reading academic books for almost 24/7 (god what a nightmare) – they’re all worth it. But hey, that’s not all. I still have school outputs to finish including 4 reaction papers, 1 concept paper, Thank You letters (for school – yep ikr?) and so much more in 2 freaking days. Wow congrats ryry what a great weekend!
Anyhow, apart from admitting that I’ve been talking to myself a lot more often, I wanna do another confession about me being really insecure in my writing. Oh my god ryry, you shouldn’t. (yep you’re gonna get lots of that 😂) I haven’t been posting for days but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been writing – I always write. I have been writing for the blog then decide at the end to not post it. There are 6 docs in total that I intended to post, but didn’t. I felt like I’m a really boring person & a really boring writer who has really boring content in store for you.
I don’t know what’s happening to me these days. I instantly feel sad even when I don’t want to. Like someone’s holding me back from saying what I need to say and that someone is me. I don’t even understand me. I know I’m OK but there’s this loneliness I feel inside like I’m just alone in the world and no one really cares about me. When I go to my blog, I feel like this belongs to someone else. Someone else I know but not me. Because the Ryry you know and I know is always happy, always saying corny jokes, but now I’m not even making any jokes anymore. I’ve gone too serious. Gosh, ryry.
Maybe this is accumulated from all the bad things that happened to me for the past years that I didn’t tell anyone about. But when I finally told them, it’s like they weren’t hearing me. I suddenly found myself writing more on the personal side because maybe – just maybe – people are more interested in what I write instead of me. Or not even interested in my writings nor me.
Here’s just some of the stuff I wrote for the past days and what I felt about them:
- A day at school… – I had so much fun writing this. I was not holding back like I’m putting all my DNAs in this and I was so close to posting this until I thought I shouldn’t. Because it was too much of me and it wasn’t even… fun because it’s me? I don’t know.
- Flawed inside & out – there was so much honesty in this. Literally one of my most imperfectly beautiful writings. But I’m too afraid to let people know the things that go inside my head because it would be too frightening to let people know that you’re feeling bad about yourself. I didn’t post this because I wanted happy content in my blog. That’s what I want people to see me: happy. I want to ignore all the lonely feeling inside me and deny my sadness. But I think I’m being unfair to myself because everyone feels sad and I should allow myself to feel sad. Isn’t that right ryry?
- What it’s like to be someone else – I wrote this because I wanted to know if someone else feels the way I do or if it’s only me. Would I feel so much better if I were someone else? This is where I cut open my heart and poured it into this writing. This is too personal and too sad and too depressing that it still feels scary to let out. I don’t have the courage to speak. I really don’t.
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Now I’m feeling even sadder XD Can we just laugh this off? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH I know this sounds crazy & I sound crazy but I don’t care anymore. I’m done holding back. I’ve been forcing myself not post all those writings but now I kind of summarized it in this post. I wanna feel me again. I wanna write and actually share it, I wanna laugh, and I wanna make jokes. That feels more me. I guess I don’t want to be sad anymore but I’m not denying that I’m sad. I just said it: I’m sad, I’m insecure, I’m lonely, and most of the time I’m doubting myself and all the things I’m capable of doing.
It’s so refreshing to let all these out. It’s like finally pushing the refresh button and I feel OK already, finally. I haven’t been reading books too, which is surprising because the last book I read, I finished it in almost one seating. Reading now feels like reading other people’s story while I’m unable to figure out my story. So I’ll pause on that.
Right now I just wanna continue loving life and get more engaged in blogging and post as often as every day or every other day. There’s so much to smile about! Besides, talking to myself feels like getting to know who I really am lol that sound crazy XD
How are YOU guys doing? I’m making lots of new friends here in the Blogosphere and that’s just another thing to smile about. If you have a post that you think will make me laugh, do tell me! I’m dying to read it! XOXO
I love you all so much. ❤